Fields of Gold
by sadge
Summary: Kel has let go and moved on but Cleon finds his heart still holds tightly to the memories of the past. Songfic.


Fields of Gold

*~*~*~*~*

He watched her from across the large table. She had not seen him arrive, which was just as well. For a little while longer he would be free to look, and remember.

__

You'll remember me when the west winds move  
Upon the fields of Barley  
You'll can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
As you walk in fields of gold

He had loved her and still did, though he had buried it deep in his heart. He supposed she had loved him too once upon a time. But she had moved on and he had been forced to do the same. It had broken his heart to say farewell to the happiest time in his life, but he had done it.

He did not often dwell so on the past. He could not always allow himself to think of her. Tonight was different. Tonight was a night to remember what he had had, and what he had lost. He had loved her so deeply it still hurt to think back on it. His heart still ached for that feeling. It was as though there was a vast emptiness where she had been. He had given up on her – for both their sakes, he reminded himself – but she had left such a mark on him.

He had promised to love her forever. What a fool he had been; he knew it could never be. He was betrothed to another and as good as married already, but he had allowed his heart to hope. He was a just a boy underneath it all and a boy in love at that. It had been bliss and he had never wanted it to end.

He clearly remembered one day they both had escaped from the city. She wore a simple dress. It was yellow and light beneath his fingers. Her hair was a mess as it blew in the wind. It was summer and the sun shone warm upon them, giving them both a contented feeling. Everything was bright and golden and glorious. They were alone walking through the fields surrounding the city. No one knew them and could judge them. Not one peasant-head turned at the two passing strangers. 

So she took her love for to gaze awhile  
Upon the fields of Barley  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down  
Among the fields of gold

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she slid hers around his waist. They fit together perfectly, bodies meshing in just the right ways. He remembered thinking, If there was one moment, just one moment I could relive of my life for all eternity, it would be this one, here with her. Life had seemed full of laughter and possibility. Every day was wonderful because each one was one more he could spend with her. Each day was one more chance he could see her beautiful face. Each day was one more opportunity to live in this perfect world.

Will you stay with me will you be my love  
Among the fields of Barley  
You'll can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
As you lie in fields of gold

But that had all crashed down about his ears. Real life did not appreciate being blocked out and had struck back with vengeance. He was called home to a manor that was barely standing, a fief that was drowned in rain, and a bride to marry. It was a cold slap in the face, and he wasn't sure he could stand the harshness of it. His heart crumbled in his chest as he thought of _her_.

He loved her. He had promised to love her _forever_ and a small part of him knew he always would. He could never erase her from his life entirely, but he would try. He loved her deeply, but he owed his people a great deal. He could not bring himself to abandon them for his own happiness.

So he told her. And he cried his silent tears. He thought he could handle himself before her; he thought he had cried his fill over her on the way there. But his heart broke again when he saw her. He had promised to love her forever. He loved her. He would always love her. 

I never made a promise lightly  
And there have been some that I've broken  
But I swear in the days still left  
We'll walk in fields of gold  
We'll walk in fields of gold

He looked into her eyes and saw no passion, no devotion. She had changed. She had never known his promise; it was a forbidden statement between them. But she had broken her end of his commitment. She would not love him forever and did not love him now. All she saw in him was the cast off ruins of a man she had loved and the friend she would now comfort. 

She would not love him forever. She did not love him now.

So he chose to silently watch her from the sides. He could not bear to look into her eyes again and see those stony orbs where there had once been a passionate fire. He could not risk exposing that hidden corner of his heart that still upheld his promise. He was married, he must remind himself. But it stung that it was not to her.

I never made a promise lightly  
And there have been some that I've broken  
But I swear in the days still left  
We'll walk in fields of gold  
We'll walk in fields of gold

His wife knew his heart. She was a perceptive woman. She understood and did not speak of it, and so he _tried_ not to hold it against her that she was not who he had wanted. He _tried_ to care for her as though she was _her_, but his heart could not fool itself. So they lived day-in and day-out in a distant relationship. It was a very quiet one; they did not have much to say to one another.

Tonight he had come to the city alone. His wife was at home caring for the fief. She was a very sensible woman and he was glad of her. But she was not _her_. 

She sat at the table surrounded by men. She was never shy in that regard. After all, she had spent a great deal of her life immersed in men completely. They were her friends, rivals, and lovers. He was glad to see familiar faces spotted around the table, and hers especially. She had not seen him enter nor had she noticed as he sat across the table, further down to her right. His eyes could not leave her face.

Many years have passed since those summer days  
Among the fields or Barley  
See the children run as the sun goes down  
Among the fields of gold

She wore yellow tonight. He remembered that bright shade from the past and, though it was clearly night and the sun had been to rest for many hours by now, he could faintly feel that warm light on his face. The time fell away and they were young again, happy. They walked through the fields side by side, arms wrapped around each other. There was no beginning or end to this memory anymore; it was just that one moment, played over for all eternity.

A pair of green eyes locked onto his and he knew she had finally noticed his arrival. The moment of happiness faded as she peered into his soul. He could not read her anymore; she was blank. Their time together was fleeting in her mind and had left her, along with all the love she had ever had for him. There was nothing left of him in her. But she could still see into him; into the dark, gaping hole in his heart. She could see her marks on his soul, the ones she had left on him – but she could not feel such marks on herself. She could not bear the intensity of his gaze and looked away. It hurt her to think of what she had abandoned so easily. In a small way, it hurt her to know that even their relationship had never meant a thing to her. It was gone. She had _wanted_ to love him forever, but it was gone.

He had seen a small piece of her bruised heart before she had looked away. He understood. It hurts to grow and change. It hurts to be forced to what you do not want. In hurts to let go. And because deep in his heart he still loved her and still understood her, he could let go of the pain that she caused him. He could let go of everything; everything except for that one moment in the fields of golden light with her by his side.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Among the fields of Barley  
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
When we walked in fields of gold  
When we walked in fields of gold  
When we walked in fields of gold

*~*~*~*~*

Well there's the results of sitting too long on the computer listening to music and typing an environmental AP paper…I really, REALLY could not stand typing anymore about fish and aquaculture and disease transmission and the like without exploding…or maybe imploding. Who knows.

So the idea for this was kicking around in my head for a WHILE but I really didn't expect it to take a songfic turn…this is the last time I keep my muse waiting…Moral of the story: when inspiration strikes, write. Otherwise it will be reduced to a songfic.

So tell me what you think, blah blah blah…the song isn't mine…I'm not _really_ sure who owns it. Sting maybe? The version I was listening to Eva Cassidy sang and it was really nice and sad. I suggest you listen to it…very nice…

The characters aren't mine neither. Tamora Pierce dreamed these guys up. Just borrowed them cause I liked 'em. I promise to give them back. Perhaps at this time I should make it known that I'm really bad at returning things. I have some books that I borrowed in eighth grade still from friends and now I'm in the latter half of eleventh. If my mother did not work at the library and erase all records of my late fees I would owe the library association close to $1,000...at least…


End file.
